What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:38
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
How long can a marriage survive after a long-term affair?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was scared of men, in general
What sexual fantasies do you have?
I don,t even have a pension.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So, i spoilt her more .
What is a good comeback for when someone calls you flat?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why are some people afraid of monsters?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was 9 years of age.
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One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
What are 50 random facts about yourself?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is soul school!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We all went to grammer schools
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I said to her
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i lived it daily.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It was going to be , some day.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What did i know ?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But it wasn’t much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
I waited trembling.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She found it foreign!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My life is so biszare .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I couldn’t, believe it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So whats the point in blame.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I will be 64.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why did i forgive my father ?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Comes on , in middle age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.